A ruler can be persuaded through patience, and a gentle tongue can break a bone.
Proverbs 25:15
*If you missed last week's devotional, please refer back for part 1!*
If you are asking yourself how to parent without harm when these polar parenting techniques don’t work, I understand. Fortunately, we can find answers within an intimate relationship with Jesus and the infallible word He lovingly crafted for us. It is not simply my Neuroscience and Trauma background that espouses these truths, but my own personal relationship with God and his Word that support what I will share; Word first, listen second.
Word First, Listen Second
We always go to Scripture first. This is our baseline and guidebook for how to parent. Firstly, James 1:20 says we are never to discipline our children in anger. Never. Nevertheless, a myriad of other verses command us parents not to forsake discipline (Proverbs 29:17, 3:11, Ephesians 6:4). We don’t forsake discipline, but perform it calmly. Gotcha. Next, scripture gives specific instructions for how to do this. For example, not with our hand, but a spoon, “rod”, or paddle that a child sees as an extension of us. Never fearful of our hand, this object gives a brief and immediate physical consequence to a child (Proverbs 23:14, 23:13) and only after our calm explanation of why a consequence is necessary. To be disciplined without knowing “why” does not allow for growth or improvement. So this third part is critical. We know children cannot learn if they are upset. So if the objective is training, these steps are requirements. Lastly, the benefits offered to us and our children when we obey these God’s parenting commands, are that our children will be blessed (Hebrews 12:6), discipline is essentially an act of love (Proverbs 13:24), it brings wisdom to our children (Proverbs 13:1), and it sets our children up for a lifetime of peace, integrity, and honor (Proverbs 22:6). Is there any greater promise as a parent?
The beautiful thing about the Bible, however, is that it is not a rulebook. I called it a guidebook for a reason. “Rules are for people who need them” and when we are young Believers, we need spiritual training wheels. We stay in the lanes our black-and-white understanding allows for us. But, as we press in and mature, our understanding matures. We begin to “hear” the Lord in all ways. Because His voice never contradicts His word, we can trust what He prompts in us. So, this is where the second crucial piece of listening comes in. Parenting will always require your discernment which only a relationship with God can bring about. While God’s word is perfect and can be applied absolutely, not every situation is the same, demanding we parents listen to God’s voice. Allow me to tack on the second part to our “rod” example. Not every child’s temperament is the same. So, while one child might need three spankings followed by a time out, the other may only need a soft pop on the hand to break his will.
Just like God is with us. The will is to be surrendered, the spirit is not to be demeaned. I could toss out gentle parenting, but still keep my gentle tongue as long as it was followed by a consequence. I had applied today’s example of spanking, the more juvenile consequence of younger years, correctly 99% of the time. But, my fatigue birthed an awful habit in the later years, forgetting that even a gentle tongue has power. I acted towards my son as if he were wrong, when really his actions were. Badgering and breaking can never produce greatness. Rather, it is my mothering duty to lovingly, yet confidently address his mistake and promptly follow up with a consequence - not a verbal blast <insert cringe>. Because I had neglected disciplining my son the proper way, I had to repent. And when I did (it is amazing how redemptive the practices God laid out are) relationship was restored. Additionally, I have seen the Godly qualities my son carries blossom under a leadership that truly loves; consistently, fairly, yet boldly. Nevertheless, I am to lead as his parent. And, in every sphere of life, this demands others in the “hierarchy” must follow.
However, our leadership plight is not a burden, but a gift.
Your Fellow Able Mom,
Amanda
Father, thank you that despite being imperfect, you are the perfect parent. You exemplify the balance and boldness we are to confront our children with. Thank you for laying out the process in how to raise our children and then staying beside us as we walk it out. You are faithful to bring about goodness in and for our children as we train them rightly. These children are for your glory, created for good things! Amen and amen!
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